So once again my fellow country country men and women we once again appear to have come in, shock horror, last place in the annual European "singing" competition. I've never paid that much attention to eurovision before, for several good reasons. One of which being we always seem to do absolutely appallingly. However after a good old girlie night in with eurovision for company I've finally grasped the concept of the competition and our reasons for failure spontaneously appear to have become blindingly obvious. Can nobody else see the fundamental flaws in our entries?
First impressions seem to count for a lot here so obviously if we want to get these phone lines buzzing in favour of the United Kingdom then all we need do is dress to impress. Why did we send poor old Andy Abraham into the thick of it all looking reasonably dressed and quite presentable? To get anywhere in eurovision you either need to dress like a utter lunatic or a complete tart. Either which way goes. The general idea for the female gender would probably be something along the lines of the shorter the skirt the better, even up to the point where you expose your underwear in the process. But don't worry about that, all you need to do is flash off those pearly whites and rub your leg provocatively and voila, the entire male population of Europe will be drooling over you and scrambling for that phone. Apparently. Guys needn't worry about their levels of sexual attraction either - just ditch the shirt, as well as the shoes and you're all set to go! Don't worry in the slightest about your backing dancer on ice skates. If he does slice off your feet at least you looked handsome first eh?
If you're not quite up to the sluttish look then maybe we could try the opposite extreme, which appears to work equally well the highly educated European public. The mental look. Try sticking apples to your barbie doll style dress, wear a nappy underneath, whilst dancing around a washing line and watch strange men jump out off your washing basket (thanks for the tip Bosnia and Herzegovina! I'll bear that in mind..) or if that doesn't tickle your fancy you could always work the whole children's miniature toy guitar look with robot style backing dancers or my personal favorite, the Latvian pirates.
So now you've caught everyones attention it's time to open your mouth and go for it... Remember we're going for the cat's wailing/blackboard and nails combination here. Sorry, did you just say Andy can actually sing?!?! He looking for a serious career in music?!?! Get him out of here quick before we lose all credibility for goodness sake!
However it simply seems that once again, this year we've gone and blown it and chosen a talented, normal person for our entry. No wonder we came last again. Maybe next year I should enter....
Oh and did I mention the other reason I don't watch eurovision? Even if we entered Robbie Williams we'd lose. It's all about politics baby (why the heck would a singing competition be about music?!?). Oh and I almost forgot. Everyone else hates us :D