Saturday, 28 June 2008

57 Varieties?

Now as some of you may know (and others of you may not) I work in a fish and chip shop. Now everyone who works will probably agree there is often a point at work where one finds themselves very bored. So what can one do when they find themselves bored at work? Chat to other members of staff? Do some unnecessary cleaning? Stare in great detail at minor things. Like the tomato sauce dispenser which proudly proclaims the apparent 57 varieties of Heinz sauces. It's got to be a pretty impressive spread if the number 57 is even in their phone number and P.O Box.. (or very sad.. Either way). So in my extreme boredom I find myself trying to recall all 57 varieties in my head. I get to about 3 (The three which we happen to sell in our shop; tomato sauce, mayonnaise and tartre sauce) and then run out of ideas. Now I must admit this is something which has been bugging me for a long time so I decide to do some research on the good ole' net only to discover the shocking truth... There aren't 57 varieties. There are thousands?!? (Though obviously what they are completly escapes me..) Now excuse my ignorance but is this not a shocking inaccuracy misleading customers? How many innocent bored victims have been mislead just because Heinz had an affection for a random number? Look on the Internet and there are hundreds if not thousands of posts on many separate forums and websites asking what the varieties are and each person probably driven to near insanity never having found an answer... Surely someone should call trading standards?

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Take A Hole Punch To Rubber and What Do You Get?

It's a brilliant, glowing Saturday and the sun is beaming down. I should be lying perhaps on an uninhabited desert island somewhere basking in the tropical sunlight contemplating s short dip in dazzling crystal seas. Or at least just down the local beach for ice cream and chips. Either which way goes, especially as I happen to be doing neither; I happen to be hunting down the latest must have wardrobe item with my sister. Is it the latest Louis Vuitton handbag? The new must have from Prada? An article from Gucci's summer collection? Nope.. We're hunting down the latest "wonder shoe". They come in several wonder lurid colours ranging from neon shades of green, yellow and pink to more subdued shades of navy blue and black. Nowadays, so I'm informed, some in even come with a glitter coating. They're apparently made of the latest high tech material which eliminate odour and place comfort as a top priority. And this material is? PCCR, an apparent new wonder material with takes on the best qualities from both rubber and plastic. Sounds amazing huh? And if that's not enough to leave you screaming out for more then maybe you should hear about the high tech breath-ability system. That's right, these incredible shoes come with button sized holes all across them. But don't worry if your feet don't like all that excess air you can now purchase special pins are being sold to fit into the holes available from all "good" shoe retailers. I notice they aren't stocked in Clarks, Animal or D2... So you can have rubber flowers or mickey mouse on your foot too. Great. You may have gathered by now I'm talking about, yes you guessed it, crocs. Otherwise know as someone taking a hole punch to some rubbery plastic clogs. Personally I think an incinerator would be much more effective.. Crocs were developed we the American yachting industry in mind not walking round sampletown highstreet! They feel, smell and most importantly look awful too so why exactly have we all gone gaga for a piece of plastic? All answers on a stamped addressed postcard, and if anyone come up with just one measly genuine reason I think I'll faint..

Sunday, 15 June 2008

Money For The Poor

So it's that time of year again. Exam season. Except only this time it's my turn to sit those dreaded and feared GCSE's. Now being the qualifications traditionally crucially important for setting you in good stead for later life one would think that standards of invigilation and surroundings would be high. However as I enter the exam hall a shudder runs over me and not because I'm scared. I must tell you... Our school exam hall is... Freezing. So I sit down at my desk only to discover my chair is half broken and perilously in danger of collapsing halfway through the exam. However the thought of asking the scary Noel Edmunds lookalike who has been hired to officially supervise for the duration of the exam season. I'm sure he's a perfectly amicable person but now is not the time to confirm that. Would it cost the establishment so much more to provide the students of today with table that doesn't rock in a way which appears to replicate the movement of a journey on rowing boat every time one moves their pen? Surely it's classed as a detrimental distraction when the lighting fluctuate from a blazing glare to a murky gloom within the space of five minutes? And how about some quieter heating? Not that it works effectively anyway but it would be nice to to have to listen to a rocket relaunching as I try and calcuate the product of two simultaneous equations.

Okay maybe not the top of the governments agenda but maybe it should be. Of course I'm not just slightly be covering my back incase I fail everything.. I wonder if I could sue for distractions?

Saturday, 14 June 2008

One, Two Three, Four

"One, Two, Three, Four.....
Tell me that you love me more..."

Hands up who recognizes the pleasant tones of Fiest in text form? I'm glad. Partially because it will hopefully help you understand what in heaven's name I'm on about in this blog and partially because it means my readers have decent taste in music! So perhaps you'll be able to see where this is headed towards if I tell you this song has recently brought on a whole new meaning to me. Now as you may have noticed this blog is not starting off in my usual vein of thread. This is because I am, for once in my life, not quite sure how to write this down. Largely because I don't wish to offend anyone (through either reading this directly of word of mouth.... gossip and gabble spread a long way y'know!!) So how to phrase this then my dearest online friends?
So how about we let ourselves imagine that the numbers in this song represent people. So that makes roughly four people. Probably more - who knows? Now before you think I've gone stark raving bonkers... Ok maybe I have. In this blog I've been trying in vain to omit any aspect of my personal life for fear of boring you to death. However I have succumbed just this once. I leave you with one question to ponder upon on this fine day...

I know I am not ugly and have a fair few admirers yet how come I can never have any interest from the people I am interested in? There. Said. Done. Finito.

Set In Stone.....

Now most of the people sat here reading this are most likely to have been through their years at secondary school or at some point through the process. Now we all know what happens at the end of your long and treacherous journey through education.. It's those pesky GCSEs. Now as I finally find myself coming to the end of a long and lengthy period of examinations I begin to question the system (well it's a good job I didn't do it earlier than now or I may have just screwed up my life eh?). So much appears to rest on your GCSEs. Your college placements, Jobs, Uni and countless other seemingly uber important things in life. Yet as I confer with fellow pupils both before and after examinations the doubt really has set in. We really aren't giving everyone a fair crack at the game are we? Now I've always prided myself on being in the top sets for well everything and have been aspiring for those top grades for as long as I can remember. I behaved, tried my best and got lucky. There's only a limited number of places in a class and some people are inevitably going to lose out. On average more than half in the people in the second set of a subject would cope perfectly well in the top set. These people are then taking up the places of the people who would cope perfectly well in the second set.. And so the cycle goes on - Catch 22. So you'd you'd think that teachers would adjust what they teach accordingly and effectively teach some sets the same thing. If only it were that simple. You will only get taught what is needed for a specific grade.. Nice huh? So you're in set 4 and they'll only teach you what you need for a D grade when you could probably get an B if you were taught what you needed to know. God help set 6... These people are perfectly capable of achieving top grades but teachers just simply aren't teaching them what they need to know. The current setting system is limiting peoples potential - People are not being taught the skills they need. I have a friend in set 3 who needs to take higher to get to where she wants in life but the school refuse to put her in this tier because she's in set 3 and isn't taught any of the material she needs to know.

Is there anyone else out there who thinks this is amazingly unfair? Surely we should be helping people to get the best grades they possibly can but all we're doing is inhibiting them. This is something which really really angers me. Anyone else up for making a stand?

Monday, 2 June 2008

The Commandments Of Thy Public Bus..

Now anyone who knows me will know I'm a big fan of all things green, including public transport. However of late it has come to my attention that more and more members of the general public just don't know how to compose themselves in the presence of others. So dear people of the UK if you're wondering if your behavior on the buses is acceptable then read on...

1. Thou Shalt Not Play Thy Music Loudly...

Mp3 players and headphones were invented for a reason you know? The general idea comprising of most people have conflicting music tastes and to spare our poor ears from the distressing sounds of these"songs". I mean sure you may absolutely love your latest chav mix album. However to be brutally honest I think it sounds worse than dying mammal pulled along by a four by four over hot coals. I'm sure you think the same about my tastes but I don't force them down your ear drums. So how about we agree to differ, just this once and invest in a costly pair of 49p headphones....

2. Thou Shalt Not Create A Music Battlefield...

Following on from aforementioned point probably not the best idea to rise to the bait if some oblivious, self centered individual does choose the play their music about at loud as a passing jumbo jet. It's really not nice to be sat on a bus whilst three different genres blare out at you from all directions each rising in volume until the roof of the bus finally blows off... I've only got a limited supply of painkillers you know..

3. Thou Shalt Not Take Up A Double Seat During An Influx Of Passengers

Have some people simply not heard of the term "Public Bus"? Sure by all means take a double seat but if the bus suddenly becomes more packed than a Robbie Williams concert on a people to space ratio, then maybe it's time reduce your personal space a tad.. A whole bus journey to whereever and back is not best spent on ones feet. Whilst the bus shakes and lurches in all manner of directions.

4. Thou Shalt Not Sit Next To Randomees In Periods Of Sparse Numbers

Following the same rule of thumb if the bus is as crowded as an ice cream parlour in a thunder storm then as much as I don't begrudge you the other half of my seat on crowded days I don't particularly fancy sitting next to a radommee if I can avoid it. I'm sure you're lovely and all but I don't know you and after a long day and most probably looking like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards now is not the time to get to know you..

5. Thou Shalt Not Litter Thy Public Bus

Sure. You're so lazy you can't wait untill you can find a bin. It's not nice for me having to sit in you mess afterward or the poor driver who has to clean it up - that wasn't in his job description you know?

6.Thou Shalt Not Smoke On Thy Public Bus

Public Buses are for the public and non smoking areas. I do not want to be engulfed in haze of your smoke making me cough and splutter..